What Are the 5 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship And How Tarot Can Give You the Advice You Need
5 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship And How to use the Tarot to Give You the Relationship Advice You Need Right Now
Listen, I used to be the absolute QUEEN of ignoring red flags.
If there was an Olympic sport for making excuses for shitty behavior, I would've taken home the gold medal every damn time.
➤ But here's the thing - when you're in it, it's so much harder to see.
It's like trying to read the label on a jar you're inside of. That's why I fell in love with using tarot for relationship advice. The cards don't have feelings to hurt or egos to protect. They're just going to tell you what's what, whether you want to hear it or not.
So let's talk about the five biggest red flags I wish I'd paid attention to earlier, and how tarot can be your brutally honest best friend when you need some real talk about your relationships.
Why We're So Good at Pretending Everything's Fine
Before we dive into the warning signs, can we just acknowledge how freaking talented we are at convincing ourselves that toxic behavior is totally normal?
I mean, seriously. We could write dissertations on why someone treating us like garbage is actually a sign of how much they care.
Making excuses like "He's just stressed from work" or "He doesn't mean it when he says those things." Meanwhile, your friends are looking at you like you’ve lost your damn mind, but you’re over here like "No, no, you don't understand - deep down, they're really sweet!"
➤ Fear keeps you stuck in this pattern.
Fear of being alone, fear that maybe you’re the problem, fear that this is as good as it gets. Plus, when you're emotionally invested, it's like wearing beer goggles but for relationships - everything looks better than it actually is.
Then there's what I call the "return on investment syndrome." You know what I'm talking about - when you've already put SO much time, energy, and emotional labor into someone that leaving feels like admitting failure. It's like you've been feeding quarters into a broken slot machine for years, and you can't walk away because what if the next quarter is the one that hits the jackpot?
I've been there. Thinking "But we've been together for three years!" (or five years, or ten) or "I've already invested so much in this relationship!" as if the time you've already spent is a reason to keep wasting more time. Spoiler alert: it's not.
➤ That's where tarot becomes incredibly helpful.
It's like having that friend who's going to tell you your outfit looks terrible even when you don't want to hear it. The cards don't care about your sunk costs or your fear of starting over - they're just going to reflect back what's really happening.
Red Flag #1: They're Always Tearing You Down
➤ If someone is constantly criticizing you, that's not them "helping you improve" - that's them being an asshole.
I'm talking about the person who has something negative to say about everything you do, from how you make coffee to your career choices.
➤ This isn't occasional constructive feedback.
This is the kind of person who makes you feel like you can't do anything right. They've got opinions about your clothes, your friends, your job, you make too little money, you make too much money, and basically every life choice you've ever made.
I had a friend whose boyfriend would constantly talk down to her and tell her she was lucky she had him because no one else would put up with her. Can you imagine? This beautiful, intelligent woman being convinced that she was somehow defective and should be grateful for his shitty treatment. That's emotional abuse disguised as "honesty."
➤ Here's where that return on investment thing gets really dangerous.
You start thinking "Well, I've already put up with this for so long, maybe if I just try harder to be perfect, they'll stop criticizing me." NO. That's like trying to fill a bucket with a giant hole in the bottom - you can pour all the effort you want into it, but it's never going to hold water.
Tarot Check-In: When you're dealing with someone who's constantly putting you down, try this two-card pull for some relationship advice:
Card 1: How is this treatment affecting my self-worth?
Card 2: What do I need to remember about who I really am?
I can't tell you how many times I've pulled the Five of Swords or Ten of Swords for the first card - both showing the emotional damage this kind of treatment causes. But then you'll get something beautiful like the Star or the Empress for the second card, reminding you that you're worthy of respect and kindness.
Red Flag #2: Suddenly You Have No Friends
This one's sneaky as hell.
Healthy relationships want you to have other people in your life who love and support you. Toxic ones try to isolate you from anyone who might point out their bullshit.
➤ It doesn't always happen dramatically.
Sometimes it's little things like they always have a "headache" when you want to see friends, or they pout when you talk to your sister on the phone. Maybe they start fights right before you're supposed to go out, so you end up canceling plans to deal with their drama.
I had this happen to me when I was young and didn’t know any better. I didn't realize it until my best friend called me out for disappearing. She was like "I haven't seen you in three months, and every time I call (this was back when people had to call 😆), you say he needs you for something." That's when I realized I'd been slowly cut off from everyone who actually gave a damn about me.
➤ The goal is to make you completely dependent on them.
When you don't have other people giving you reality checks, it's way easier for them to convince you that their toxic behavior is normal.
➤ And here's where the return on investment trap gets you again.
You think "Well, I've already lost touch with most of my friends, so I can't leave now because I'll be all alone." But that's exactly what they want you to think! Your real friends will welcome you back with open arms once you explain what happened because they love you and miss you.
Tarot Check-In: For this situation, here's a three-card spread that can give you some solid relationship advice:
Card 1: What am I sacrificing by staying isolated?
Card 2: What would reconnecting bring back into my life?
Card 3: What's my first step toward rebuilding these connections?
Usually, the first card shows you're losing your joy, your support system, your sense of self. The second card reminds you of all the love and laughter you're missing out on. And the third? It's usually something simple like "send that text" or "make that phone call."
Red Flag #3: They Want to Control Everything
Control freaks are exhausting.
Some are obvious about it - they want to know where you are every second, who you're texting, what you're spending money on. Others are more subtle - they "suggest" things in ways that make you feel guilty if you don't do what they want.
➤ They begin to slowly control every aspect of your life.
It starts small, like they get you to stop wearing makeup. They complain about the clothes you wear. They don’t like who you hang out with and talk to. There’s someone at your work they don’t like so they convince you to quit so you’ll be financially dependent on them. They convince you “it’s for your own good.”
➤ The thing about control is that it happens gradually.
You don't wake up one day in a prison - it gets built around you one bar at a time. You stop making your own decisions because it's easier to just go along with what they want. You don't even realize you've lost yourself until you look in the mirror and don't recognize who's looking back.
And guess what feeds into this? That damn return on investment syndrome again. You think "I've already changed so much for this person, I can't give up now!" But here's the thing - you shouldn't have to change fundamental parts of yourself for anyone. Ever.
Tarot Reality Check: When you suspect you're being controlled, this two-card pull can give you some much-needed relationship advice:
Card 1: Where am I giving my power away?
Card 2: How can I start reclaiming my autonomy?
The first card usually shows you patterns you haven't fully admitted to yourself. The second gives you practical ways to start taking your life back, one small decision at a time.
Red Flag #4: They Make You Question Reality
This shit is EVIL.
Gaslighting is when someone consistently makes you doubt your own memory, feelings, and perception of events. They'll deny things that totally happened, tell you you're "too sensitive," claim you're "imagining things” or they’re “just joking.”
It sounds like: "I never said that," "You're being dramatic," "That's not what happened," or my personal favorite, "You're crazy." Over time, you start doubting everything about yourself because they've convinced you that your version of reality is wrong.
➤ The goal is to make you so unsure of yourself that you stop trusting your own judgment and defer to theirs in everything.
It's psychological abuse, plain and simple, and it'll mess with your head long after the relationship ends.
The return on investment trap is particularly cruel here because you start thinking "I've already been questioning myself for so long, maybe I really am the problem. Maybe if I just work harder to see things their way..." NOPE. That's not how reality works.
Using Tarot as Your Anchor: When someone's trying to rewrite your reality, tarot can help you trust yourself again. Try this for relationship advice:
Card 1: What does my intuition know that I'm being told to ignore?
Card 2: How can I start trusting myself again?
If you keep pulling cards about deception, illusion, or the need to trust your inner voice, that's the universe telling you to stop listening to someone who's trying to convince you that up is down.
Red Flag #5: You're Walking on Eggshells 24/7
When you're constantly worried about setting someone off, you're not in a relationship - you're in emotional hostage situation.
This is when you find yourself monitoring every word, every facial expression, every tone of voice to avoid triggering their anger, mood swings, or silent treatment.
➤ This is absolutely exhausting.
You shouldn't have to become a completely different person to keep peace in your relationship. Healthy relationships can handle disagreements, different opinions, and yes, even some conflict without someone having a complete meltdown.
That's not love - that's emotional labor that's completely out of whack.
➤ Living in this constant state of hyper-vigilance will literally destroy your health.
When you're always on edge, waiting for the next explosion or silent treatment, your body is stuck in fight or flight mode 24/7. Your stress hormones, especially cortisol, are constantly elevated like you're being chased by zombies, except the zombies never go away.
You might have headaches all the time. Or your stomach might always be messed up. Sleeping properly becomes a problem because your brain won’t shut off. Are you laying awake replaying conversations, trying to figure out what you said wrong or what you could do differently tomorrow? Is your immune system tanked? - Are you getting sick constantly? Does your body feels like it’s literally breaking down?
It’s because you’re not designed to be in a chronic state of stress from constantly walking on eggshells.
➤ Your nervous system isn't designed to handle that level of sustained stress.
It's meant for short bursts - like actual emergencies (running from zombies) - not for living with someone who makes you feel like you're constantly in danger of emotional attack.
And here's the kicker - the return on investment syndrome makes you think "I've gotten so good at managing their moods, I can't give up now! What if I just need to get a little better at it?" You’re not in the FBI, you're not a hostage negotiator. You shouldn't need specialized skills just to exist peacefully in your own relationship.
Finding Your Voice: For this exhausting pattern, try this relationship advice spread:
Card 1: What am I losing by silencing my authentic self?
Card 2: What would speaking my truth bring me?
Card 3: One small way I can start being more authentic
The cards usually show you how much energy you're wasting and how much joy you're missing by not being yourself. The third card gives you something doable to start with, like "speak up about what you want for dinner" or "say no to something you don't want to do."
Setting Boundaries Like The Queen of Swords (With Tarot's Help)
Here's the thing about boundaries - they're not mean, they're necessary.
If someone gets mad at you for having basic standards for how you want to be treated, that tells you everything you need to know about them.
I used to think boundaries were selfish. Now I know they're survival. When you're dealing with someone who pushes limits, ignores your needs, or makes you feel bad for having standards, it's time to get crystal clear about what you will and won't accept.
Boundary-Setting Spread: This three-card layout can give you the relationship advice you need to protect your energy:
Card 1: What boundary do I most need to set right now?
Card 2: Why am I afraid to set this boundary?
Card 3: How can I communicate this boundary clearly and kindly?
I love this spread because it helps you identify not just what you need, but what's stopping you from asking for it. Usually, it's fear - fear of conflict, fear of being called difficult, fear that they'll leave. But here's the truth: anyone who gets angry at you for having reasonable boundaries isn't someone you want in your life anyway.
When the Cards Keep Showing You the Same Damn Thing
If you're like me and you keep asking the same relationship question hoping for different cards, stop.
Just stop. When tarot keeps giving you the same message, it's not broken - you're not listening.
I once had a client who pulled the Ten of Swords (hello, painful ending) four different times asking about the same relationship. She kept being like "Maybe you shuffled wrong" or "Let me ask it differently." Girl, the cards are practically screaming at you - this relationship is over, stop trying to resuscitate it. It’s literally been stabbed to death.
➤ Sometimes the most loving thing the universe can do is show you when it's time to walk away.
That doesn't mean you should make huge life decisions based on one card pull, but patterns matter. If every relationship reading brings up cards about deception, feeling trapped, or emotional pain, maybe it's time to listen.
Want help seeing those patterns?
➤ Click here to Grab a copy of your free tarot Journal!
Having Those Scary Conversations with your partner
Sometimes tarot gives you the relationship advice that you need to have a direct conversation about what's going on.
This is terrifying, especially if you're dealing with someone who doesn't handle feedback well.
Start small. You don't have to lay out a PowerPoint presentation of everything that's wrong. Pick one specific thing and address it clearly: "When you criticize my cooking every night, it makes me feel unappreciated" or "I need you to stop going through my phone."
➤ Pay attention to how they respond.
Do they immediately get defensive? Do they turn it around and make you the problem? Do they dismiss your feelings? Or do they actually listen and show concern for how their behavior affects you?
Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know about whether this relationship can be fixed or if you're fighting a losing battle.
When It's Time to Peace Out
Sometimes the most important relationship advice tarot can give you is: run.
This isn't easy to hear, especially when you love someone or when leaving feels complicated.
But just because you love someone doesn’t make them the right person for you.
But here's what I learned the hard way: staying in a toxic relationship doesn't protect you from pain. It just guarantees the pain will continue and probably get worse.
Look for cards like Death (necessary endings), the Fool (stepping into something new), or the Eight of Cups (walking away from what doesn't serve you). These aren't mean messages - they're invitations to choose yourself. If you need more help you can read about how to use the tarot to decide if you should leave your relationship here:
Should I Leave My Relationship? 5 Tarot Spreads to Help You Decide
➤ I know leaving is scary.
I know starting over feels impossible. But I also know that the relief you'll feel when you're finally free from someone who makes you feel small is worth every bit of temporary discomfort.
Building Better Relationships (Starting with Yourself)
Once you've identified these patterns - whether you're working on them or walking away - the next step is learning how to do relationships better.
This is where tarot becomes your ongoing relationship coach.
You can explore questions like:
What do I actually need in a healthy relationship?
How do I communicate my needs without feeling guilty?
What patterns do I need to change in myself?
How do I spot green flags instead of just red ones?
The beautiful thing is that as you grow and heal, your readings will reflect that growth. You'll start seeing cards about balance, healthy communication, and mutual respect instead of all that painful stuff.
Trust Your Gut (It's Smarter Than You Think)
Here's the bottom line: if you're reading this and thinking "Oh shit, this sounds familiar," your intuition is already trying to tell you something.
You don't need a tarot reading to confirm what you already know, but sometimes the cards can give you the courage to act on it.
➤ Healthy relationships should feel good 95% of the time.
They give you energy instead of draining it. They encourage you to be more yourself, not less. They respect your boundaries while building real intimacy.
If your relationship feels like constant work with no payoff, if you're always second-guessing yourself, if you feel smaller instead of bigger when you're with this person - that's information worth paying attention to.
➤ You deserve relationships that lift you up, respect your boundaries, celebrate your authentic self, and give you room to grow.
Don't settle for less just because it's familiar or because you're scared of being alone.
Trust me on this one - being alone is infinitely better than being with someone who dims your light. The cards will always be there when you need guidance, but the most important relationship advice I can give you is this: you already know what you need to do. You're just looking for permission to do it.
Consider this your permission slip.
